I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
