sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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