So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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