She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
