8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Randomize
