What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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