my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
