OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
