I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
