I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
