She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
