Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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