"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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