Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
