Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize