i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
