All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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