Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
