I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
