I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
