Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A+ Viking dick
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
