i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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