I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
