OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
