So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
foreskin is a definite game changer
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
