I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
