My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
