Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
