I faked an abortion last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There's always time for handjobs
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
