If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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