So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
