I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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