$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
