I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
