Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
