The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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