If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
