Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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