If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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