Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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