I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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