She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
