why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
