The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I touched a dick in church today
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
