How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
