Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
