Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize