considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
