Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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