So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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