cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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