I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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