life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
