careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
