The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
