I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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