Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
