I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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