he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
