i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
