dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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